Day ?. Pain Level: Unbearable. 6:37p.

The last two days have been like an awful, never ending nightmare. While I type this my grandma is in the hospital dying. I wish I could say she was fighting for her life but she's not. I know that she is ready to go. She has been saying for a long time that she is ready to go I just didn't think that it would be so soon. I've been trying to prepare myself for this but I really don't think that there is any way to truly prepare yourself to loose someone that you love so much.

I got a text message from my mom Friday evening that she had fallen and they were on the way to the ER. They were pretty sure she had broken her hip. Once there it was confirmed that she had. She was completely coherent. At some point between Friday night and late last night she had a stroke and a heart attack. They didn't realize that she had a stroke until quite a while later because they had her so sedated on morphine for the pain that they didn't see the signs, not that it would have made much of a difference. She wasn't in good health to begin with and it was a significant stroke. After the stroke she had a heart attack at some point although they couldn't tell us exactly when.

The team of doctors came in today and basically said that although she isn't on life support, the medications that they were giving her to support her blood pressure and oxygen they were forcing was keeping her alive, so it was kind of like life support. They said they could continue that for days, weeks, months, but more than half her heart was dead and she would be bed ridden the rest of her life and need constant care. My grandma was a proud woman and would not have wanted that. She told us several times she didn't want that. Hell, she told us for the last 10 years that she was ready to die.

So my grandpa (actually step-grandpa), aunt, and mother made the decision to stop treatment at the recommendation of the doctors. It was the hardest decision that they/we have ever had to make and I am reliving it over and over in my head. So now it could be days, weeks, who knows. It just depends on my grandma. When she is ready to go she will go. I have said my goodbyes. I have said my goodbyes like 15 times now. I keep saying them. I go into the room ever 20 min and say them. I don't want it to be the last time I see her. I'm not ready to let her go yet. I know it's selfish but why can't she just hold on and come out of this. Why can't she just wake up? I just want her to wake up. Damn it, wake up.

Day?. Pain Level 5. 7:40p.

So my month is over and I actually made it. I am sitting in a hospital bed while I type this getting DHE 45 injections trying to break the everlasting migraine. My finger is all taped up taking my pulse and my blood pressure moniter keeps going off every 5 min and the damn IV is uncomfortable so I'll give you all the scoop later.